Tag Archives: Shopping

Emergency Candles Are For Pussies.

20 Feb

First of all, if you do not own a flashlight by now, you fail.

When the lights suddenly go off, almost always temporarily due to weather, is that really a “state of emergency”?

I mean, damn- The word “emergency” has really become watered down hasn’t it?

It’s not like Godzilla has already shish-kebab‘d a couple of hunred of your neighbors or anything-

That would be an emergency.

…I guess if you’ve got a couple of hundred “neighbors” you’d probably be living in a city as opposed to a farm somewhere in the Mid-West.

Godzilla in a major city, a huge problem; Godzilla wreaking havoc on acres of corn-stalks is no emergency.

But seriously, using “Emergency” to describe a use for candles is a bit strange…. I get it, people who don’t even need candles will buy them to be ready for that rare and improbable  emergency lurking around the corner.

“Emergency” is vague in this context.

What if your dog drove your car into the local pizzeria?

That is clearly an emergency, but are the candles really imperative?  I suppose as punishment you can pour hot candle wax onto your pooch’s eyeball, but that is hardly necessary.

They should rename these candle’s specifically to “Candles To Use When The Lights Go Out”  or better yet, “Candles For Pussies Who Are Scared Of The Dark”- in order for avoid any misunderstanding.

But those titles were too long, hmmmm how can we shorten them up?….

“Candles For Pussies In The Dark”

“Candles For Dark Pussies”

err…wait a sec..

“Candles For Pussies” works right?  But then who wants to be called a “pussy”?

How about, “Candles For Cocks”?  That’s no better is it…?

Give me some time, I’ll work on it.

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Let’s not forget about the lightning bolt in the corner of the box which clearly serves to remind us that lightning is out to get us, and we need to be ready when it does.

Pshhhh yeah right,

maybe if “lightning” = Chuck Norris ;

but then how would candles help?!?!

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But the word “Emergency” really does seem to work.  We hear the word everywhere, from news media, to government officials, to candles; emergencies have really become a part of our culture- They make great selling points, for ideas and products alike.

Emergence…+y…. EMERGEN- C!

OMG, I just thought of the best sugarized soft drink for kids.. its called Emergen-C.

Wait nevermind, I Google‘d it and apparently there is a vitamin drink called “Emergen-C”, epic fail.

At least my failure supports my original statement that “Emergency” sells.

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But “emergency” does have the word “emergence” in it, which actually means nothing to me.

All I know is that the word used to actually mean something. Wtf.

I declare the lackluster contemporary meaning of the word “Emergency” an official State of Emergency.

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Leave a comment if you believe the word “emergency” needs to make a comeback.

Also, don’t forget to check out my Facebook Fan page on the top right side of this blog.

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Only YOU Can Prevent Forest Fires,

TheMiserableRanter

Hungry Hobos Make Bad Pancakes

4 Feb

I saw a story on the news once of a woman who locked her  3 kids in her basement and only fed them pancake batter for weeks.

Welcome to my world.  I am the pancake batter.

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Ok seriously, what is the deal with Trojan Fire and Ice condoms?

I don’t want fire OR ice anywhere near my cock.  And to make matters worse the prospect of my penis on fire just shriveled me testes.

Be honest, does this ad make you want to buy this product?

Upon purchasing your item, your hair will morph into Sonic The Hedgehog.

I guess with that super sonic speed you could do some serious boning.

Hmmmmmmmm.

Sorry Trojan, still not sold.

I’d be laughing the whole time at her hair.

Hysterical laughter + libido= Fail.

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“You can take the person out of the cock, but you can’t take the cock out of the person.”

TheMiserableRanter

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