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So, Charlie Sheen Has Lost His Mind…WIN!

7 Mar
Charlie Sheen in March 2009

Image via Wikipedia

He really has lost touch.

You should all watch/listen to this:

Today, Charlie Sheen was finally let go from the hit show Two and a Half Men.

It’s a great show, and I hope they do not try to replace Sheen because it will not work.

But how messed up is Sheen really?

To me, the ultimate test if Sheen is still sane is: if he refers to his terminated contract for Two and a Half Men as a “win“.

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Doesn’t he look kind of like Beavis from Beavis and Butthead though?

Obviously the hair color is different, but aside from that…I’m sure Sheen would admit to being a raging “bunghole” at times…maybe even a “cornholio”.

(All those were legit quotes from Sheen, by the way)

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I mean, the poor guy (scratch that- filthy rich guy*****) does enough coke in one session to kill two and a half Mexicans.

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But no one can deny that the guy is smart.  He has a way with words, even if at times he doesn’t actually mean anything or make any sense.

When he speaks, its almost poetic.

I think his quotes will be remembered for years to come.

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I will leave you with my top 5 favorite Charlie Sheen Quotes:

1. “I am on a drug, it’s called Charlie Sheen (even though he’s a low-life scumbag wife beater) It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

2. “The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children.”

3. “Can’t is the cancer of happening.”

4. “I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”

5. “I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it with my brain.”

Your favorite nutcase,

TheMiserableRanter

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The Bezi Has Dominated Wildly

19 Jan

Ultimately, the thing that matters the most in life is nothing.

We all try so hard to be something that we aren’t. Why can’t we all just embrace how pathetic we truly are?

I’m telling you, if people cared less about what others thought the world would be a much better place.

Not the CARING necessarily, but the fact that this caring effects us adversely in some way, that is the real shame.

Damn human condition, God is a sick fuck with a bad sense of humor.

Random mind-stream for the win, yeah!

It’s been a while since I shaved my dolphin’s crotch.

30 Dec

Confusing enough for ya? Good.

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So it has been a while guys.  I’ve missed you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVujl6iNFgs&feature=player_embedded

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Obama has a special relationship with coins.  When he was young, his father used to  peg the shit out of him with nickels.

Seriously what the hell is going on here? Giving pardons…? OK.  but to a guy who was charged with “Mutilation of Coins” 25 years ago?

“Mutilation of Coin(s),”  I guess to be a felon you’ve got to “mutilate” several coins, one coin just isn’t enough.

Personally, I think the guy should be dismantled with a chainsaw.

Yeah I mean that guy is pretty much a terrorist.

I thought that Obama, being the first black President, would have some special reasons for his pardons or say something more profound.  The best he could come up with is a shitty list of 9 “felons“?  6 of whom weren’t even jailed?  Sounds like an epic fail to me.

Here is a link to the article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/03/obama-issues-9-pennyante-_n_791813.html

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So I was at the gym today with my cousin to get FUCKING JACKED.  He asks me, “So out of the row of girls in front of us, rate them 1 to 7.”

I was shocked at the idea but immediately began assembling an order in my mind.

The back of the girl’s head in front of me was screaming “JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW.”

She had a nice body so I put her as number 2.  There was a girl in front of her that was number 1-  Only problem is she was VERY WEAK AND TINY.  The rest were very sad and will not be mentioned.

After 15-20 minutes on the elliptical, the #2 girl got off the machine.  That’s when I found out that the weak and tiny one was the  #2 girl’s MOM and they were both Indian.  Huge fail on my part.    I think I’m losing it.  It=my mind.

Lick something,

TheMiserableRanter

Cock pasta? Goodness gracious.

17 Dec

Cock pasta…didn’t Julia Child write that recipe..?

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So we’re nipple-deep into the “holiday season”..Thanksgiving has passed…Hannukah has passed…and Christmas is on the way.  I am sure you’re all looking forward to it.

Look, people need to shut the fuck up about Christmas, it is just too much.  Too much fucking talk about Christmas. Calm down.

ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER ANGER

Personally, I think Santa is way cooler than Jesus (get it? cooler? lame).


I think that we should all aspire to be more like Santa, a fat bearded old man (like really fucking old) who gets off his lazy ass 1 day out of 365 to do some good for the world.

I empathize strongly with Santa, I feel like I understand his dilemma.

He is a sick twisted fuck who spends the other 364 days of the year jerking off into the  faces of the poor elves that run his toy factory-

It shouldn’t surprise anyone that Santa’s greatest influence is Chuck Norris.

Not only do they both have kickass beards, they also share many political viewpoints.

One of them is the legalization of slavery.


The toys are all made in China mind you.

In fact,

I’d bet you my dead great grandmother’s tits that Santa’s house is actually in China.


Yeah..and all those red clothes you ask?  Obviously Santa is a communist.

He basically runs his own mini dictatorship.

Don’t get my wrong, Santa isn’t Chinese- Nope, he is definitely a white man.

But the elves- the elves are definitely Chinese.

Some would say Santa is a racist; I tend to agree.  I mean, its pretty obvious that Santa has favorites.

Christmas is bigger in the US than ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD. That is definitely not by accident. With Santa, nothing is an accident.

Notice that the word Christmas backwards is “Samtsirhc” -If you rearrange the letters properly, it should mean nothing.

But seriously, Sam T Sir HC is a secret code.  Sam T Sir is actually a reference to Sir Samuel Thomas- Santa’s legal name.  HC? Stands for High-C, his favorite drink (he enjoys the red flavor).

Soon Santa, everyone’s favorite huggable fat fuck, will be navigating the skies once more in an attempt to be useful in some way.

Keep an eye out for UFOs.


Bite My Ass,


TheMiserableRanter


PS.  I hope this blog post didn’t cause any brain aneurysms-

If I did, let me know;  Especially if you died as a result.

If you’re dead and reading this, then send me a postcard or something. Thanks.

Writer’s Block? More like exploding penguins!

12 Dec

WARNING: THIS PICTURE MAY BE TOO GRAPHIC FOR CERTAIN AUDIENCES.

VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

ITS 10 O’CLOCK, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE?

Been suffering from my first case of blogger’s block- Not to be confused with the terminal degenerative disease “blogger’s cock”.

I gotta stop taking those vitamins man, they’re fucking with my head.

So yeah! I made a Twitter account, and a Facebook fan page, SO ADD ME BICHiZ!  Twitter ID is MiserableRanter and just search Facebook for TheMiserableRanter

So, what to discuss.  Which direction to go…meaningful prose, or empty vulgarities…?

Has this blog quenched your thirst for a quick fix?  A quick jolt of cunts and cocks wrapped in intestinal linings always does the trick!  Ouch, intestinal linings, now there’s a freaky image.   The first thing that comes into my mind is hot-dog or sausage casings.  What about you?

Enough talk about ground pig eyelids, let us discuss the current political climate in Uganda.  Apparently being gay in Uganda earns one life in prison.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwjlE8nV80Q

This guy ,David Bahati, is a Ugandan diplomat- A parliament member.  He proposed a bill a “Kill the Gays Bill.”  jajajajajajaja

Just curious, what level of assholeness would you consider this guy?

Under this bill, consensual homosexual acts by Ugandan citizens in other countries warrants deportation and life imprisonment.

The guy keeps mentioning that gay people are hurting/damaging his kids in some way.  Gay people “hurt his family”. lulululz

HAHA HE SAYS THAT the US GOVERNMENT FUNNELS MONEY INTO PROGRAMS THAT BRAINWASH TEENAGERS TO BECOME GAY. And he’s got “abundant evidence.”

He is gonna need abundant lube when the rest of the civilized world fucks him in the ass so hard he will defecate a Baby Jesus. May he Rest In Penises.

Now that you all feel smart, current, and entertained, it is time for me to log off for now.

Don’t forget to check back for new posts you bastards.  Who knows, I may even start doing Youtube videos.

Meh.

Fuck a duck,

TheMiserableRanter

Sex with monkeys?

8 Dec

If we’re all animals, then you’re an ass!

Horrible joke!

Look,

if we’re all apes, then

1.  The phrase “going ape-shit” holds a very specific meaning.

2.  I fucked your sister.

3.  How do you like dem apples?

4.  They’re mighty sour.

5.  Yeah, I know. Should of added more sugar.

6.  R-Kelly peed on a 15-year-old girl.

7.  If R-Kelly was able to pee on a girl, I at least should be able to pee on an ape.

8.  If given the chance, would you pee on R-Kelly?

9.  Why is the divorce rate so high?

10.  Paris Hilton is a stupid cunt.

11.  Isn’t this list kickass?

12.  Make sure to comment and subscribe, you wouldn’t want to miss this koala excrement of a blog.

Subscribe or die.

Subscribe or get pissed on by an ape.

Subscribe or I’ll send you a picture of Barbara Bush’s bush. (not a pretty picture)

I don’t think that leaves you with much of a choice.

Love,

themiserableranter

PS. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrOyupPRoUc

No Happy Ending?WTF. Sucky sucky 10 dolla?

6 Dec

I have been going to this spa for a long time, its called King Spa Sauna.  I fucking love this place; Its a Korean style sauna- it really helps alleviate stress and any kind of tension/pain you’ve accrued.

I can’t help but feel like theres a huge stigma in America against going to the spa, especially for guys.

Russians/Europeans/Koreans don’t seem to have it, I think it is exclusively an American thing.  Because I know how beneficial this kind of thing can be for stress, I always try to encourage and recommend people I know to come with; but I often run into the following dialogue:

A spa? Do they give a happy ending?” 75% of the time, they’re serious.  And they should be, especially if they are stressed.  A happy ending would definitely help the stress…ok off topic.

Either people immediately ask me if they give a happy ending, or they say “Sucky sucky 10 dollaaaaa mee luv you loooong tiemmmm?”

That line is from Full Metal Jacket, and she was a Vietnamese hooker, you ignorant cunts.  Korea, China, and Vietnam, they are ACTUALLY different places you fucking pricks.

First of all, the women that work at this place are really pretty old.  When I say old I mean borderline ancient… 50 and over.

Hmmm, I mean, if you’ve got the cash to just walk in there and talk about “expecting a happy ending,” you might actually get one.  Go on ahead and try it, let me know how it goes.  But I could never risk getting black-listed from a place like this, been going there for years.

BTW no one paid me to advertise this shit, so you fuck yourself ahead of time.

PS. Fill me in on how you like these blog posts.  Are they vulgar enough for you?  Perhaps not as substantive as other blogs you’ve read?  Let me know.

 

Eat my balls,

Joe

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