Tag Archives: cooking

Hungry Hobos Make Bad Pancakes

4 Feb

I saw a story on the news once of a woman who locked her  3 kids in her basement and only fed them pancake batter for weeks.

Welcome to my world.  I am the pancake batter.

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Ok seriously, what is the deal with Trojan Fire and Ice condoms?

I don’t want fire OR ice anywhere near my cock.  And to make matters worse the prospect of my penis on fire just shriveled me testes.

Be honest, does this ad make you want to buy this product?

Upon purchasing your item, your hair will morph into Sonic The Hedgehog.

I guess with that super sonic speed you could do some serious boning.

Hmmmmmmmm.

Sorry Trojan, still not sold.

I’d be laughing the whole time at her hair.

Hysterical laughter + libido= Fail.

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“You can take the person out of the cock, but you can’t take the cock out of the person.”

TheMiserableRanter

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Fuck woks

3 Dec

I tried cooking dinner today.
Never cook with a wok unless you know exactly what you’re doing.  Today I wasted 2 hours of my day cleaning the mess I made in the kitchen.  The product was totally fucked up, wet, undercooked rice, with beef rough as fucking jerky.  Oh yeah, and the brocolli was also drenched and disguisting.

It was my younger brother’s idea to use honey as part of the sauce for this dish. Not sure if that contributed the atrocity that was this “beef fry rye”.

The worst part of this was cleaning the wok after I burned the living shit out of it.  About half the rice I cooked ended up sticking the the wok, glued like fucking cement.

I felt like a Chinese factory worker as I used up steel wool after steel wool trying to clean this fucking monstrosity.  And the burned rice yielded this brown nasty paste that I swear to you, looked exactly like human shit.  I should of taken pictures, upon reflection I realize this-  It looked like I’d spent the last 2 hours playing with diarrhea.

Ironically, after fanning out the whole rest of the house of this nasty smell, (since my room is the highest part of the house) my room was the only place you could smell the nasty burned garbage smell.  Fuck my life.

I am never cooking with a wok again, this was my first grossly negative experience cooking and I hope it is my last.

Remember kids, leave “beef fry rye” to the professionals.

After throwing out all that fucking wasted produce, me and my brother proceeded to order Chinese food.  I am currently on a diet but because of my immense frustration, I broke my vow to eat healthy and ordered.  After all, I was planning on cooking up a storm since it was the only real meal of the day for me.

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