BREAKING NEWS: Sarah Palin gets “spudnutted” on by Cenk Ugyur

1 Feb

I was going to write a whole blog post on this new Sarah Palin moronicism (not a word, I know), but then decided that this clip pretty much says all that there needs to be said.

Now that you’ve seen this clip I’d like to add a few things that don’t need to be said.


1. Why do I feel that Sarah Palin’s career will ultimately lead her into porn?

2. Next thing you know, Palin will begin referring to the phrase Spudnutted on her face,” as Blood Libel.

and last but not least,

3.

The US Constitution Preamble:

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Sarah Palin’s Real Americans Constitution Preamble:

We the People, of the Real Americas, in order for form a more sad international image, establish deregulation of all guns, insure domestic terrorism, provide tax breaks for billionaires, generally never promote those on Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to Christians and our lobbyists, do or die and establish the largest deficit in American history because of my insane version of the Constitution of the United States of America.

All hail the comic relief of American news media/politics, Sarah Palin.

And while you’re on your knees hailing, blow me.

TheMiserableRanter

Intangible Tangerines Transmit Testicular Titty Tongue Twisters?!1!?!1

31 Jan

I ain’t dead yet bitches.  I’m back and I’m still white.

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This blog has sort of become my neglected child….

no, more like my neglected Siamese Fighting Fish.

Here’s the thing , I want to keep the posts at a certain level of readability.

When I began this blog, the writing seemed almost like a neuronal misfiring took place on the interwebs.

Unfortunately life takes its toll on the frequency of the posts, and inspiration is not always a consistent thing.

To my readers, thank you.

And keep coming back..because if you enjoy this, then you’ve clearly lost your mind long ago.

Now that the sentimentality is over, its time to return to the somewhat more meaningful part of this post.

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You actually expected meaning?  No way!

I win,

 

TheMiserableRanter

BREAKING NEWS: WOMEN FALLS INTO FOUNTAIN AND SUES MALL (ANALYSIS)

22 Jan

Link to the article below:

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/01/20/earlyshow/main7265096.shtml

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The security guard who took this video was later fired:

Aww look at how nicely they try to play it off like this could happen to anyone.

I’d dare those newscasters to take a poll and find out how many people during their lifetimea will fall into a fountain while texting.

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A woman in Pennsylvania, Cathy Cruz Marrero, was texting her friend while walking through a mall.. and fell into a fountain-  You know, those fountains that people throw coins into and make a wish.

The reason for it happening is questionable.

There are two possibilities here.

1.  She fell victim to the statistic of people blundering whilst texting. Whether it be while driving, walking, or autofellating, its obvious that texting consumes much of our cognitive resources.

2.  Someone who really hates this woman deliberately placed a fountain along her path.  In that case, the texting buddy is probably the culprit here..its suspicious that this conversation happened right as she passed the fountain.

All joking aside though, the scenario actually gets more interesting.

The woman in the video came forward and admitted to this pathetic event.

You may be wondering, “The video is such poor quality, why would this woman come out and proclaim her own stupidity?”

That is a perfectly reasonable question, and the answer is simple.  She’s looking for money.

The first video interview below:  Skip to 36 seconds to hear her.

Oh, she really touched my heart when she mentioned “church”.  What an innocent soul.

But wait? Ms. Marrero, are you really going to sue the mall?  You are?

Below is a video of Marrero with her lawyer. Probably one of the most pathetic interviews of all time.

 

She said it “could happen to anyone,” and then went on to say that she could of been hit by a bus,car, or truck.

A bus?..are there buses, cars, and trucks regularly driving through the mall?  You’ve got no case woman.

“Not one single person came to my aid.”

So you’re suing the mall because you expected a lap-dance after falling into the fountain?

Watch- Now the mall worker training program will implement a course in how to aid someone who has fallen into a fountain. Very sad indeed.


And the plot thickens,

A day later, we find out about this woman’s past- Her true colors come to light.

Turns out she has had numerous counts of shoplifting charges.

She was also accused in 2009 of using a coworker’s credit card to make thousands of dollars’ worth of purchases.

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I’m sorry Cathy, but you just keep making mistake after mistake.

Don’t sue the mall with that kind of dirt behind you…

You’ll forever be remembered as the biggest fail on the interwebs…is that really what you want?

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But she’s not just a fail on the interwebs, it turns out that she actually works IN THE MALL.

EPIC FACE PALM.

Its not like she was unfamiliar with her surroundings or anything.

Unforgivable.

Its the equivalent of someone walking headfirst into a walrus’s mouth. Like this.


Wait until FailBlog.org, RayWilliamJohnson, and Tosh.0 get their hands on this.


May I suggest gene therapy?  Yeah, the painful kind.

Good luck with your lawsuit, Cathy.


May the force be with you.


TheMiserableRanter

Prematurely Ejaculated Blog Post

22 Jan

I was about to tell a story and mid way decided that it was one of those “had to be there” stories. Smh.

Smack Em Wit A Dick, Smack Em Wit A Dick.

22 Jan

 

HOW TO PISS PEOPLE OFF

  1. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
  2. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
  3. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  4. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
  5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
  6. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
  7. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  8. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with The Prophecy.”
  9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
  10. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.  (I did this all the time in highschool)
  11. Yell random numbers while someone is counting, it really works.
  12. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
  13. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  14. Honk and wave to strangers.
  15. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
  16. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
  17. 7yp3 L13k 7h15.
  18. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  19. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    “DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
    “What?”
    “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
  20. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  21. Ask people what gender they are.
  22. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  23. Sing along at the opera.
  24. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
  25. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

I did not write this list, but I did think it was funny. Enjoy!

credit goes to artlung.com

 

*says in thick Italian accent* “You kno, I’ve got a big dick.”

TheMiserableRanter

Top 10 Sex Positions- Twisted Edition. + Tokyo Breakfast (Classic)

21 Jan

This is a classic

Words to live by:  “If nigguh no go to skewel, nigguh no get a job. If nigguh no get a job, nigguh no make no munny.  If nigguh no make no munny, nigguh cannot afford B M W 7 SERIES NIGGGAAAAAHH!!!”

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“You can’t ever boost a girls confidence, they’ll find a way to screw you in the ass afterwards.”  What kind of evil genius would say such a thing?  Oh yeah, my cousin.

He went onto say “I’m sure Albert Einstein would agree with me- how do you think that loser got married? He really fucked with the girl’s head.  Either that or she was kicked in the head by a horse as a baby.”

Wow.

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A brilliant 6 year old once said-

“I PUT THE WHOLE WORLD IN MY ASS.”

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I really can’t believe how well it works, but spamming “FREE PENIS ENLARGEMENT PILLS” really works. Pretty funny.

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Top 10 list of sex positions.

1.  Shiza German. (Yeah, its backwards. It’s a reverse German Shiza.  Yep. Meaningless.)

2.  Legendary Doggy Style. It’s Legendary.

3.  Superman That Hoe. (Yes, that’s “Hoe” with an “e”)

4.  Stick It In Her Ear ‘Till She’s Deaf. (Self Explanatory)

5.  Two Cups, One Girl. (Think about it)

6.  Dragon Ball Z. (Kamehameha all over her face)

7.  Borat Style. (Plow her from behind whilst she plows your farm with a plow-Meanwhile you yell “WAH WAH WEE WAH!”)

8.  Lord of the Rings.

9.  The Dick Cheney. (Classic missionary whilst eating a fetus)

10.  2012. (It’s like 69, except it’s your last chance)

I’m gonna go take a Mexican shower. Bye bye.

TheMiserableRanter

PS. EXPLOSIONS ‘N IMPLOSIONS YAY.

Bally’s Gives Bloody Orgasms.

20 Jan

Bally’s? More like,

For the last month or so I have been a regular member of the Bally’s Total Fitness gym.

Bally‘s is definitely a gym for the masses.

Everything is fucking disgusting.  From the machines, to the bathrooms…don’t even get me started on the bathrooms.  Too late- it’s a done deal, you’re going to hear about the bathrooms at Bally’s.

We all assume that normal people don’t generally go #2 in public places, unless its really necessary.  #2 is off limits, but #1? Bring it on.

Up until my experience with Bally’s, I was a proud recipient of the prestigious “Will Piss In Any Public Bathroom” plaque.  Bally’s has defiled my honor.

The bathrooms are so disgusting that I refuse to piss there.

And so the story goes…

I was on my way to the urinal because I had finished my workout and didn’t want to wait until I got home.

I walk past the disgusting naked old men in the locker room, I was ready to clear my bladder.

Deafened by the grunts of the Neanderthals behind me, I was right about to whip my c**k out.

Why the asterix? Good question.  And so we move on.


At this point, I notice that the flushing handle of the urinal was wet, and smelled like a diseased foot.

I stood there with my hand in my pants for about 5 seconds contemplating whether or not I would subject myself to the possibility of catching this fucking more rancid strain of the bubonic plague.

Upon realizing how close my face would have to get to the wet urinal handle in order to achieve proper pissing position, I put my cock back in my pants and ran.

I ran hard, I ran fast.

I had to get out of there.  Bally’s had scarred me for life.

Never again.

Fuck You, Bally’s.


I will defenestrate you,

TheMiserableRanter

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