I was about to tell a story and mid way decided that it was one of those “had to be there” stories. Smh.
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Smack Em Wit A Dick, Smack Em Wit A Dick.
22 Jan
HOW TO PISS PEOPLE OFF
- In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
- Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
- If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
- Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
- Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
- Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
- Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
- Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with The Prophecy.”
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
- Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room. (I did this all the time in highschool)
- Yell random numbers while someone is counting, it really works.
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
- Staple pages in the middle of the page.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
- TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
- 7yp3 L13k 7h15.
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
“DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
“What?”
“Never mind, it’s gone now.” - As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
I did not write this list, but I did think it was funny. Enjoy!
credit goes to artlung.com
*says in thick Italian accent* “You kno, I’ve got a big dick.”
TheMiserableRanter
Bally’s Gives Bloody Orgasms.
20 JanBally’s? More like,
For the last month or so I have been a regular member of the Bally’s Total Fitness gym.
Bally‘s is definitely a gym for the masses.
Everything is fucking disgusting. From the machines, to the bathrooms…don’t even get me started on the bathrooms. Too late- it’s a done deal, you’re going to hear about the bathrooms at Bally’s.
We all assume that normal people don’t generally go #2 in public places, unless its really necessary. #2 is off limits, but #1? Bring it on.
Up until my experience with Bally’s, I was a proud recipient of the prestigious “Will Piss In Any Public Bathroom” plaque. Bally’s has defiled my honor.
The bathrooms are so disgusting that I refuse to piss there.
And so the story goes…
I was on my way to the urinal because I had finished my workout and didn’t want to wait until I got home.
I walk past the disgusting naked old men in the locker room, I was ready to clear my bladder.
Deafened by the grunts of the Neanderthals behind me, I was right about to whip my c**k out.
Why the asterix? Good question. And so we move on.
At this point, I notice that the flushing handle of the urinal was wet, and smelled like a diseased foot.
I stood there with my hand in my pants for about 5 seconds contemplating whether or not I would subject myself to the possibility of catching this fucking more rancid strain of the bubonic plague.
Upon realizing how close my face would have to get to the wet urinal handle in order to achieve proper pissing position, I put my cock back in my pants and ran.
I ran hard, I ran fast.
I had to get out of there. Bally’s had scarred me for life.
Never again.
Fuck You, Bally’s.
I will defenestrate you,
TheMiserableRanter
The Bezi Has Dominated Wildly
19 JanUltimately, the thing that matters the most in life is nothing.
We all try so hard to be something that we aren’t. Why can’t we all just embrace how pathetic we truly are?
I’m telling you, if people cared less about what others thought the world would be a much better place.
Not the CARING necessarily, but the fact that this caring effects us adversely in some way, that is the real shame.
Damn human condition, God is a sick fuck with a bad sense of humor.
Random mind-stream for the win, yeah!
Sick and Twisted Magical Pepsi
18 JanI’M BACK BICHIZ, and I’m still white.
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I love you bastards, but I also really hate you.
When I die though, don’t write hateful shit on my grave, OK?
And in turn I won’t drive my fucking truck through your front door on the day of your mother’s wake.
Deal?
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Below are 4 REAL GRAVESTONES in Mexico.
The translations are on the right side.
1.
2.
3.
4.
I’ll admit, I didn’t make these images myself, but they’re still funny. I doubt they’re real though, I mean…look at those names?
Pancrazio..? Chinchilla..? Really?
Cut the dead some slack, however cunty they may have been.
Cuntabulously Yours,
TheMiserableRanter
Spider-Man Really Isn’t That Cool Though.
11 Jan
It was the standard yet surreal twenty minutes daily at 1 AM where I stood spaced out in the shower contemplating my lack of self-worth. As the steaming water ran sharply onto my back, I stood there totally blank, nearly dizzy, allowing my primal autopilot to take over; In a deep meditation, I reflected on my own uselessness.
With my periphery I had caught the movement of a small spider in the corner of the shower stall; The spider remained totally still once it’d touched onto my attention. A fragment of claustrophobia had crept into my consciousness as the sting from the heat of the water built up onto my neck. I was intimidated by the spider’s poise and consistency as it stood there motionless.
Before I could fully understand what I was doing, I was squeezing toothpaste and shampoo over the spider; I was playing with it. The spider dodged in small quick spurts, in a minesweeper-like fashion, but at this point I was no longer intimidated. I was so good at estimating where to squeeze that shampoo bottle so the green ooze would land right on the spider.
Ten minutes later, once I had come to full awareness, I’d realized what I had done. The spider was drowning, it was shaking. The spider had spent its last moments in an ocean of turquoise blue Head & Shoulders shampoo.
I’ll admit, the first thing that came to mind was that “at least the spider died smelling nice.” But I immediately realized how wrong the scene was.
In my most automated state, I could do nothing more than end the life of an innocent creature. When I grasped the full extent of the events that transpired, I felt profoundly ashamed; I was astounded by my own lack of consideration.
By then the water had gone from a boiling heat, to a lukewarm and borderline uncomfortable temperature. I was embarrassed, how could I make up for the wrong I had done? How could I make things right?
The blue corner became a monument to the memory of the spider. From that day forward, until I unintentionally kicked it down the drain, the spider served as a reminder of my impudence and lack of humility. I just know that the spider is now at rest in spider heaven.
Love,
TheMiserableRanter
Only Alex Jones Sleeps With 6 Guns…
6 Jan
I had a dream a few days ago that I was giving voice lessons to the girl from iCarly. She kept showing up drunk over and over again until I awoke.
The next night I had a dream that I was a soldier in World War II, on the Nazi side….wrong on so many levels.
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10-year-old Joseph McVay shot his mother in the back of the head. They were having a heated argument about chores, fetching some firewood.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lubotwlyKCI
If you aren’t already subscribed to TheYoungTurks on youtube, you’re a douchebag. Great progressive news network.
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It’s this kind of shit that makes you think, “what the fuck is going on?”
6 GUNS WERE FOUND IN THIS KID’S BEDROOM!
What did the older brother say? – They’re a “country family”, good one buddy.
I know I’d be insane to point fingers here (wait for it), but you’ve got to be off your rocker if you buy a gun and think, “Gee, let’s put it up in Joey’s room!”, six times in a fucking row.
I’ve got a theory here. I don’t know much about the McVay family but I have to ask, what the hell are you trying to protect your family from? 6 guns? in the kid’s room?
You MUST be preparing for war! Cenk from TheYoungTurks blames it on culture, I blame it on right-wing fuck-faces who preach the ideas of, “you’re either with us or against us”, “you’re either with us or you’re terrorists.”
Don’t you fucks understand how paranoid that makes people?
I am sure there are MANY “country families” out there without dozens of guns in their house…
The ones with more than …say 20..have got to be on the drug that is the right wing propaganda machine.
When you possess enough guns in your house that you can overthrow a small government, you ought to fucking downsize.
But wait! There’s pretty much no government regulation of guns anyway!
The way shit is done in this country is just fucking bizarre. How much more backwards can we go?
Give me some fuckin’ hope here. No never mind, I’m addicted to misery. In fact, I enjoy it.
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On the up side,
New study indicates that women actually feel more productive in the kitchen than they do in the workplace.
Just kidding! Yeah yeah, get mad. Hate me enough to keep coming back you sick fucks.
So, there’s this website , http://feralarmy.com where I will be posting to regularly.
You’ll get my more serious side on FeralArmy, but I will try to keep quenching your regular thirst for cocks, cunts, and Barbara Bush’s pet gerbil.
Look, I’m doing the pee-pee dance!
TheMiserableRanter
It’s been a while since I shaved my dolphin’s crotch.
30 Dec
Confusing enough for ya? Good.
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So it has been a while guys. I’ve missed you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVujl6iNFgs&feature=player_embedded
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Obama has a special relationship with coins. When he was young, his father used to peg the shit out of him with nickels.
Seriously what the hell is going on here? Giving pardons…? OK. but to a guy who was charged with “Mutilation of Coins” 25 years ago?
“Mutilation of Coin(s),” I guess to be a felon you’ve got to “mutilate” several coins, one coin just isn’t enough.
Personally, I think the guy should be dismantled with a chainsaw.
Yeah I mean that guy is pretty much a terrorist.
I thought that Obama, being the first black President, would have some special reasons for his pardons or say something more profound. The best he could come up with is a shitty list of 9 “felons“? 6 of whom weren’t even jailed? Sounds like an epic fail to me.
Here is a link to the article:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/03/obama-issues-9-pennyante-_n_791813.html
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So I was at the gym today with my cousin to get FUCKING JACKED. He asks me, “So out of the row of girls in front of us, rate them 1 to 7.”
I was shocked at the idea but immediately began assembling an order in my mind.
The back of the girl’s head in front of me was screaming “JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW.”
She had a nice body so I put her as number 2. There was a girl in front of her that was number 1- Only problem is she was VERY WEAK AND TINY. The rest were very sad and will not be mentioned.
After 15-20 minutes on the elliptical, the #2 girl got off the machine. That’s when I found out that the weak and tiny one was the #2 girl’s MOM and they were both Indian. Huge fail on my part. I think I’m losing it. It=my mind.
Lick something,
TheMiserableRanter
Unstoppable Penis Meets Impenetrable Vagina.
24 Dec
What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?
I predict that the result will cause nanoriffic explosions in the brain holes of your neurons.
So anyway, I am working on my youtube channel, keep your eyes on it.
I uploaded a trailer today of what is to come.
Should be full of fuck.
It will be explosive-
When I say “explosive,” I mean that my YouTube channel will consist of constant explosions and implosions.
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I’ve just eaten Chinese food and now I feel sick, thanks China.
You know you’re going to feel sick afterwards, but you make that call anyway.
You call that grueling, nauseating number in the hope that somehow you can fill that gaping hole inside of you.
Then when you finally reach the local brothel, they tell you they’re out of Chinese food.
Fuckin’ A. What a disappointment.
Have a Merry Miserable Christmas by the way.
themiserableranter 