Archive | February, 2011

Emergency Candles Are For Pussies.

20 Feb

First of all, if you do not own a flashlight by now, you fail.

When the lights suddenly go off, almost always temporarily due to weather, is that really a “state of emergency”?

I mean, damn- The word “emergency” has really become watered down hasn’t it?

It’s not like Godzilla has already shish-kebab‘d a couple of hunred of your neighbors or anything-

That would be an emergency.

…I guess if you’ve got a couple of hundred “neighbors” you’d probably be living in a city as opposed to a farm somewhere in the Mid-West.

Godzilla in a major city, a huge problem; Godzilla wreaking havoc on acres of corn-stalks is no emergency.

But seriously, using “Emergency” to describe a use for candles is a bit strange…. I get it, people who don’t even need candles will buy them to be ready for that rare and improbable  emergency lurking around the corner.

“Emergency” is vague in this context.

What if your dog drove your car into the local pizzeria?

That is clearly an emergency, but are the candles really imperative?  I suppose as punishment you can pour hot candle wax onto your pooch’s eyeball, but that is hardly necessary.

They should rename these candle’s specifically to “Candles To Use When The Lights Go Out”  or better yet, “Candles For Pussies Who Are Scared Of The Dark”- in order for avoid any misunderstanding.

But those titles were too long, hmmmm how can we shorten them up?….

“Candles For Pussies In The Dark”

“Candles For Dark Pussies”

err…wait a sec..

“Candles For Pussies” works right?  But then who wants to be called a “pussy”?

How about, “Candles For Cocks”?  That’s no better is it…?

Give me some time, I’ll work on it.


Let’s not forget about the lightning bolt in the corner of the box which clearly serves to remind us that lightning is out to get us, and we need to be ready when it does.

Pshhhh yeah right,

maybe if “lightning” = Chuck Norris ;

but then how would candles help?!?!


But the word “Emergency” really does seem to work.  We hear the word everywhere, from news media, to government officials, to candles; emergencies have really become a part of our culture- They make great selling points, for ideas and products alike.

Emergence…+y…. EMERGEN- C!

OMG, I just thought of the best sugarized soft drink for kids.. its called Emergen-C.

Wait nevermind, I Google‘d it and apparently there is a vitamin drink called “Emergen-C”, epic fail.

At least my failure supports my original statement that “Emergency” sells.


But “emergency” does have the word “emergence” in it, which actually means nothing to me.

All I know is that the word used to actually mean something. Wtf.

I declare the lackluster contemporary meaning of the word “Emergency” an official State of Emergency.


Leave a comment if you believe the word “emergency” needs to make a comeback.

Also, don’t forget to check out my Facebook Fan page on the top right side of this blog.


Only YOU Can Prevent Forest Fires,



Oh You Silly Ruthless Dictators and Your Funny Names.

12 Feb

So the Fudge Packers got the job done during the Super Bowel- Are you pissed off yet at my indifference to this?

I’m not a huge fan of jacked monsters smashing into each other.

Take that last statement how you may, it was definitely not gay.  Holy shit, did that just rhyme?

Am I the only one who, upon hearing Super Bowl, still gets a mental image of a cereal bowl?  Yeah shut up.


A massive protest is currently erupting in Egypt, a profound message that is resonating throughout the whole world.

30 years of oppression by the despot Hosni Mubarak is enough- Understandable.


I do want to take this opportunity to appreciate the funniness of this ruthless dictator’s first name, “Hosni”.

Just say it aloud,


Mubarak… sounds too much like Moo0oooo Barak…



K Arab,


Seriously, I’ll be damned if this isn’t the next GOP talking point.

But really, if there’s one thing we have a surplus of in this country it is right wing lunatics (this surplus seems to be proportional to the national debt).

But correlation doesn’t equal causation right?

Yeah, and my penis is the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

The world has had so many cruel dictators, and for some reason all of them have very funny names- Most of which are not appreciated enough.  I mean, how many times have we heard Saddam Hussein be referred to as, “So Damn Insane”?


A few days ago, Barak Obama agreed to an interview with Bill O’Reilly on Fox News.  Of course, you can’t win against the rude and impudent O’Reilly on his home turf, the self-proclaimed “fair and balanced” Fox News.

O’Reilly?  More like “O’ RLY?”

O’Reilly looked and sounded too much like the obnoxious “O’ RLY?” Owl, staring down at Obama in constant contempt.

However, I would say that Obama did a good job defending himself from O’ RLY?’s indirect accusations of being a socialist (bringing up “distribution of wealth” and healthcare – Check 3:50).

Have a listen for yourself:


No Tie?


Have a look:

Oh what a great facial expression Fox “News” caught…and chose to post on the internet.  Out of the whole interview, they clearly chose Obama’s most flattering pose.

All of a sudden, Presidents are evil for not wearing ties to interviews?

Obama probably chose not to wear a tie on this interview.

You heard me O’Reilly, or should I say, O’ RLY?

You’re not worth Obama’s tie…or time.


I am so hardcore that I use Extra Strength Tiger Balm as lube.



Hungry Hobos Make Bad Pancakes

4 Feb

I saw a story on the news once of a woman who locked her  3 kids in her basement and only fed them pancake batter for weeks.

Welcome to my world.  I am the pancake batter.


Ok seriously, what is the deal with Trojan Fire and Ice condoms?

I don’t want fire OR ice anywhere near my cock.  And to make matters worse the prospect of my penis on fire just shriveled me testes.

Be honest, does this ad make you want to buy this product?

Upon purchasing your item, your hair will morph into Sonic The Hedgehog.

I guess with that super sonic speed you could do some serious boning.


Sorry Trojan, still not sold.

I’d be laughing the whole time at her hair.

Hysterical laughter + libido= Fail.


“You can take the person out of the cock, but you can’t take the cock out of the person.”


Fantastic Back and Forth With Justin Beiber Fan.

4 Feb

Beiber Fan: Please come back. <—-(Not directed to me, they just said it randomly)

@miserableranter: You want me to cum on your back? bend over sonny.

Beiber Fan: That's absolutely discusting. What are you, 60 years old.

@miserableranter: 60 AND A HALF, OK?

Beiber Fan: Gross…

@miserableranter: I'm a stealth muslim jihadist pedophile liberal pansy.

Beiber Fan: Can you please, fuck off. Before I get police on your ass.

@miserableranter: PO- LICE? I LIKE LICE.

Beiber Fan: You're discusting. Stop it.

@miserableranter: Care to grab a drink with me? *says in best rapist voice ever.

I'd say that was successful,


BREAKING NEWS: Sarah Palin gets “spudnutted” on by Cenk Ugyur

1 Feb

I was going to write a whole blog post on this new Sarah Palin moronicism (not a word, I know), but then decided that this clip pretty much says all that there needs to be said.

Now that you’ve seen this clip I’d like to add a few things that don’t need to be said.

1. Why do I feel that Sarah Palin’s career will ultimately lead her into porn?

2. Next thing you know, Palin will begin referring to the phrase Spudnutted on her face,” as Blood Libel.

and last but not least,


The US Constitution Preamble:

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Sarah Palin’s Real Americans Constitution Preamble:

We the People, of the Real Americas, in order for form a more sad international image, establish deregulation of all guns, insure domestic terrorism, provide tax breaks for billionaires, generally never promote those on Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to Christians and our lobbyists, do or die and establish the largest deficit in American history because of my insane version of the Constitution of the United States of America.

All hail the comic relief of American news media/politics, Sarah Palin.

And while you’re on your knees hailing, blow me.


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