Archive | December, 2010

It’s been a while since I shaved my dolphin’s crotch.

30 Dec

Confusing enough for ya? Good.


So it has been a while guys.  I’ve missed you.


Obama has a special relationship with coins.  When he was young, his father used to  peg the shit out of him with nickels.

Seriously what the hell is going on here? Giving pardons…? OK.  but to a guy who was charged with “Mutilation of Coins” 25 years ago?

“Mutilation of Coin(s),”  I guess to be a felon you’ve got to “mutilate” several coins, one coin just isn’t enough.

Personally, I think the guy should be dismantled with a chainsaw.

Yeah I mean that guy is pretty much a terrorist.

I thought that Obama, being the first black President, would have some special reasons for his pardons or say something more profound.  The best he could come up with is a shitty list of 9 “felons“?  6 of whom weren’t even jailed?  Sounds like an epic fail to me.

Here is a link to the article:


So I was at the gym today with my cousin to get FUCKING JACKED.  He asks me, “So out of the row of girls in front of us, rate them 1 to 7.”

I was shocked at the idea but immediately began assembling an order in my mind.

The back of the girl’s head in front of me was screaming “JEW JEW JEW JEW JEW.”

She had a nice body so I put her as number 2.  There was a girl in front of her that was number 1-  Only problem is she was VERY WEAK AND TINY.  The rest were very sad and will not be mentioned.

After 15-20 minutes on the elliptical, the #2 girl got off the machine.  That’s when I found out that the weak and tiny one was the  #2 girl’s MOM and they were both Indian.  Huge fail on my part.    I think I’m losing it.  It=my mind.

Lick something,



Unstoppable Penis Meets Impenetrable Vagina.

24 Dec

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

I predict that the result will cause nanoriffic explosions in the brain holes of your neurons.

So anyway, I am working on my youtube channel, keep your eyes on it.

I uploaded a trailer today of what is to come.

Should be full of fuck.


It will be explosive-

When I say “explosive,” I mean that my YouTube channel will consist of constant explosions and implosions.


I’ve just eaten Chinese food and now I feel sick, thanks China.

You know you’re going to feel sick afterwards, but you make that call anyway.

You call that grueling, nauseating number in the hope that somehow you can fill that gaping hole inside of you.

Then when you finally reach the local brothel, they tell you they’re out of Chinese food.

Fuckin’ A.  What a disappointment.

Have a Merry Miserable Christmas by the way.

Disemboweled Biker Scum Get MoonRaped

21 Dec


So I was on my way to the gym TO GET FUCKIN’ JACKED, when I drove by these two bikers.

Ok, fine I admit it, the MoonRaped part was just something I made up. But I really wanted them to get raped by the Moon and the Sunsimultaneously…after all, that shit only happens once every 60 years!

But seriously,  you bikers out there.  I will find you.

I will strip you of all that makes you human;  Your organs.

After I disembowel you rotten fucking bikers, I will then proceed to insert pine cone into your anus.

I’ll then light the pine cone on fire, walk back into my car, and drive away.

As I drove by this fucking inconsiderate TRASH, I raised my arm up and gestured with my hand, “WHAT THE FUCK MAN?  AT LEAST MOVE OVER.”

2 BIKERS TAKING UP A WHOLE LANE on a TWO LANE ROAD. Everyone was forced to maneuver around these assholes.



I hope porcupine crawls into his  mouth while he is sleeping and takes a dump.

And I know what you’re thinking, porcupines aren’t always reliable.

That’s why if the porcupine pussies out, I’ll take it upon myself to shit inside his face.

If I ever see fucking bikers again,

I’ll make sure to throw your fucking children off the Empire motherfucking State Building you spandex-wearing, cum guzzling, don’t give a fuck about anyone else on the road, piece of hamster feces.

Awwhamster feces

What a fucking innocent image, after hearing all that swearing…isn’t it?

Oh but If I’d have said donkey shit, or camel feces, or horse urine, it would have been more vulgar right?

Why is that?  Why do we discriminate between the levels of vulgarity between a hamster’s shit and a horse’s urine?

Surely one is not more guilty than the other…?


I’ll save that for another blog posts…


Delirious Zebras and Corporate Squid

19 Dec

I was going to put up a picture but then I asked myself , “what is the need for the picture?”  The need is because its for you guys.

Upon realizing how much effort it would take to produce a picture of a

“Delirious Zebra and Corporate Squid”, I decided,  “Fuck you guys.”

I then decided to post a picture of a Squirrel.

They’re always funny for some reason aren’t they.  Fuckin‘ squirrels man.


So I just discovered how amazing Twitter is.

Twitter is a pathetic exercise in short term memory.

Its an interesting yet clearly deleterious thing.

Its the end of the fucking world. Brace yourself.

This blog is basically the same thing.

People’s attention spans cannot handle reading more than 140 characters.  I mean, I knew how it was on Youtube where people could only maintain their brain for 2 minutes or less, but this is a whole other level.

If you can only handle < 2 minute/140 characters , you need to stop hitting the bong so hard.

Seriously, I am worried about you guys.  You’ve all become delirious..zebras.

Not to put a damper on things, but you guys are all fucked, really.


So I know what you’re thinking- Why Zebras?  Why Squid?  Why capitalize Zebra and Squid?

These are all great questions that deserve no attention- Hence I move on.

I am truly grateful for the opportunity to waste your time today.

Make sure you keep coming back or I will destroy you.

Rest assure, I will take over the world. Then, you’ll all be very very sorry.

You very filthy whores,


Cock pasta? Goodness gracious.

17 Dec

Cock pasta…didn’t Julia Child write that recipe..?


So we’re nipple-deep into the “holiday season”..Thanksgiving has passed…Hannukah has passed…and Christmas is on the way.  I am sure you’re all looking forward to it.

Look, people need to shut the fuck up about Christmas, it is just too much.  Too much fucking talk about Christmas. Calm down.


Personally, I think Santa is way cooler than Jesus (get it? cooler? lame).

I think that we should all aspire to be more like Santa, a fat bearded old man (like really fucking old) who gets off his lazy ass 1 day out of 365 to do some good for the world.

I empathize strongly with Santa, I feel like I understand his dilemma.

He is a sick twisted fuck who spends the other 364 days of the year jerking off into the  faces of the poor elves that run his toy factory-

It shouldn’t surprise anyone that Santa’s greatest influence is Chuck Norris.

Not only do they both have kickass beards, they also share many political viewpoints.

One of them is the legalization of slavery.

The toys are all made in China mind you.

In fact,

I’d bet you my dead great grandmother’s tits that Santa’s house is actually in China.

Yeah..and all those red clothes you ask?  Obviously Santa is a communist.

He basically runs his own mini dictatorship.

Don’t get my wrong, Santa isn’t Chinese- Nope, he is definitely a white man.

But the elves- the elves are definitely Chinese.

Some would say Santa is a racist; I tend to agree.  I mean, its pretty obvious that Santa has favorites.

Christmas is bigger in the US than ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD. That is definitely not by accident. With Santa, nothing is an accident.

Notice that the word Christmas backwards is “Samtsirhc” -If you rearrange the letters properly, it should mean nothing.

But seriously, Sam T Sir HC is a secret code.  Sam T Sir is actually a reference to Sir Samuel Thomas- Santa’s legal name.  HC? Stands for High-C, his favorite drink (he enjoys the red flavor).

Soon Santa, everyone’s favorite huggable fat fuck, will be navigating the skies once more in an attempt to be useful in some way.

Keep an eye out for UFOs.

Bite My Ass,


PS.  I hope this blog post didn’t cause any brain aneurysms-

If I did, let me know;  Especially if you died as a result.

If you’re dead and reading this, then send me a postcard or something. Thanks.

Writer’s Block? More like exploding penguins!

12 Dec




Been suffering from my first case of blogger’s block- Not to be confused with the terminal degenerative disease “blogger’s cock”.

I gotta stop taking those vitamins man, they’re fucking with my head.

So yeah! I made a Twitter account, and a Facebook fan page, SO ADD ME BICHiZ!  Twitter ID is MiserableRanter and just search Facebook for TheMiserableRanter

So, what to discuss.  Which direction to go…meaningful prose, or empty vulgarities…?

Has this blog quenched your thirst for a quick fix?  A quick jolt of cunts and cocks wrapped in intestinal linings always does the trick!  Ouch, intestinal linings, now there’s a freaky image.   The first thing that comes into my mind is hot-dog or sausage casings.  What about you?

Enough talk about ground pig eyelids, let us discuss the current political climate in Uganda.  Apparently being gay in Uganda earns one life in prison.

This guy ,David Bahati, is a Ugandan diplomat- A parliament member.  He proposed a bill a “Kill the Gays Bill.”  jajajajajajaja

Just curious, what level of assholeness would you consider this guy?

Under this bill, consensual homosexual acts by Ugandan citizens in other countries warrants deportation and life imprisonment.

The guy keeps mentioning that gay people are hurting/damaging his kids in some way.  Gay people “hurt his family”. lulululz


He is gonna need abundant lube when the rest of the civilized world fucks him in the ass so hard he will defecate a Baby Jesus. May he Rest In Penises.

Now that you all feel smart, current, and entertained, it is time for me to log off for now.

Don’t forget to check back for new posts you bastards.  Who knows, I may even start doing Youtube videos.


Fuck a duck,


Pepperoni Antichrist?

10 Dec

I saw an old episode of Family Guy the other day where Stewie beats Brian (the dog)… at a bet to be the most popular guy in Chris‘s high school.
Brian makes a comment where he says something along the lines of, “Young people- using music made by other people to express their individuality. ”

Woaw, deep you say?

Doesn’t everyone seems to use their “taste” in music to “individualize” themselves?  Either that, or they purposely use the taste in music to create a certain impression of him or herself to others.

I say, fuck those people. Fuck them right in their stupid asses.  Why the random bold/italics?  Good question.

But seriously, if listening to certain music does anything on a social/behavioral level, it takes away your individuality.  You think your the only one that listens to Lady Gaga, Canon in D, and Japanese pop songs in the same playlist?  Do you really think that makes you sophisticated?  Fuck you.

This brings me to the following point:  If you want to advertise your individuality to the world, make something…create something.

Even if it ends up being a lobotomized premature zebra fetus of a blog that no one will read,  its still a worthwhile attempt to display your true colors to the world.

Just kidding, its not a worthwhile attempt.  99.99% failure.  Don’t even try.

I’m a real asshole aren’t I.


P.S. Playing with fonts is fun.

EDIT: And I am well aware that the title and picture of this particular blog post has no connection with the topic.  Thanks bitch.

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